Ironclads: Schleswig War 1864

Ironclads: Schleswig War 1864 - $9.99
Time Played Before: 0 hours
Time Played After: 8 minutes

Review

Yes, you read it correctly. I played this for 8 minutes. 8 minutes I'll never get back. This isn't' going to be so much of a review as it is going to be a warning. A warning for those who haven't been exposed to the game that is Ironclad.

It started simple enough, loaded into the config menu that is outside the game. I'm informed by the screen that my video card, a Nvidia GTX 670 4gb Superclock, doesn't support "good" water. Ok, my GPU is quite beefy, but apparently, I can't have good water. Fine, no big deal. Set the rest of the options, run the game.

Okay, no tutorial. Or help. Or any direction. Okay..well, I guess new game. Choose a side. Okay, well, at least I know which flags are which, I do have a BA in History. Problem is, most people don't. No caption as to who you'll be playing as. This is starting well. Ok, I suppose the Danes it is. Now choose a mode: Arcade, Normal, Simulation. I guess normal? I understand the differences..kind of..but no text as to what they are for those who don't? Who made this? Oh well.

Okay..now it seems I have a certain amount of cash, what are these buttons..okay..I can buy ships..good...4 ship designs..okay, not enough money to get the top two..not sure how I get new money as there are no missions..but alright, guess I'll get a mix of the bottom two. Oh, I can buy 2 of the bottom and one mid bottom..or 4 bottom ones..I guess the latter? There are stats for each, but most of them mean nothing to me..seeing as I'm not a nineteenth century sailor..

Okay, I'm finally looking at boats. And some buttons.. and most do nothing it seems. Good god this needs a tutorial. Okay, I see a throttle, and what appears to be steering. Guess guns shoot on their own, or you can stop them..alright..okay, so there seems to be 6 enemy ships across this sea. Good thing I had the funds to purchase a decent navy..oh wait..I have 4 shitty ships that are probably going to be destroyed easily. So full speed ahead!

And...nothing. Why aren't I moving? Throttle is full, no movement. Looks like the enemy is sailing right at me. Good, I'll just sit here and wait to die. Then suddenly, there we go! So theres like a 20 second delay on the throttle, that's not annoying at all. Okay, here we go..slowly. My god this is slow. Even using the fast forward button. I mean, I know ships in the nineteenth century didn't move all that fast, but this is a game..or a new form of torture..not sure which.

Okay, couple minutes later, I'm nearing the enemies..so turn the broad side so I can fire my cannons at them..and 2 shots before I'm out of range. 2. and one falls harmlessly in the water. Okay, and my lead ship has now been riddled with cannon fire. Attempts to manuever to evade fire and try to counter attack fail miserably, as my ships seem to be run by monkeys and can't follow simple requests. And the decision that I can't take it comes fore front. Good bye Ironclads..I hope to never see you again.

Final Verdict

Gameplay: 2/10
Graphics: 5/10
Sound: 4/10

Overall: 2/10

This iteration of Ironclads is terrible. I'm not going to judge the others based upon this, but the fact of the matter is, when I spin onto those other ones, I'm definitely not going to be thrilled by it. Just stay away from this. If you absolutely love nineteenth century ship battles, and love to figure out things without any form of instruction, Ironclads: Schleswig War 1864 is for you. If you don't enjoy terrible and slow strategy games, stay as far away as possible.

Next spin coming up in the next couple days.